OLIVER IS BACK! BLOGOSPHERE BEWARE!

To quote my ol' buddy Elvis... Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Yes ladies and gents, the headline you just read is absolutely true! You see, I have a confession to make, and while this may shock, pain, confuse and/or surprise the bejabbers out of you, I'm going to come right out and say it:
This whole "Oliver is the world's only talking, walking, blogging Orange Onion" thing? It's ALL A MYTH! Indeed, I, Oliver, great Orange hope to talking foods throughout the world, am in fact, very much HUMAN. Yes, HUMAN. We will now take a short "blog intermission" while you, my dear readers, come to terms with this startling revelation.

(Blog Intermission...)

I don't know about you, but during that short intermission, many similar life-altering and sobering reality checks came to my mind:

The time I learned that Santa Claus did NOT, in fact, come down the chimney but rather it was Dad himself, in the middle of the night (10:30 pm or so), placing the latest chess and checker set, Monopoly or as in most years, a hideous knit sweater at the foot of the tree.

And the time I realized (hopefully this was sometime before I turned 3 or 4 but I can't recall) that Uncle Dale wasn't actually taking my nose in his hands and my nose remained exactly where it always was. While that was good news in and of itself, I no longer revered Uncle Dale as some Harry Potter-like wizard, and began to view him as just plain strange. REALLY strange.

There are many such moments in life and while I realize these moments may be somewhat unsettling, we're all better off in the long run knowing the truth. Which leads me to my point over here. The reason Oliver's posts have been on hiatus is I was actually on paternity leave. I was recently blessed with my 4th child and after spending many a sleepless night, contemplating the future and direction of Oliver's blogs, I have decided to shift gears going forward. Now that I'm a self-proclaimed expert in parenting, I have decided to dedicate my blogs to sharing the wonderful experience of parenting, child raising, sleepless nights and leaky diapers (relax, I'm JOKING about the diapers part. Well, kind of, anyway) with all of my loyal readers. I'm looking forward to sharing these experiences with all of you on a regular basis so that when the time comes, you may do a better job of preparing YOUR children to learn the truth about Santa coming down the chimney. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some mouths to feed... Talk to you all soon!

Until next time,

Oliver the (shockingly mythical) Orange Onion

OrangeOnions.com Deals Earn Them Spot on Top Online Retailer List

OrangeOnions.com, an online retailer that sells discount, brand-name products, announced today they have joined the ranks of the America’s top retail websites. Internet Retailer awarded OrangeOnions.com the distinction of being #742 out of 1,000 top retail sites & #31 in the Housewares/Home Furnishings category.

“Discount home goods retailer OrangeOnions.com (No. 742) grew web sales 33% in 2010,” says vice president of research Mark Brohan. “Daily deals, affordable shipping options and social media contributed to the increase.”

Internet Retailer's definitive ranking and analysis of America's 500 up-and-coming e-retailers is based on annual 2010 Internet sales, researched by Internet Retailer and confirmed by retailers. This report includes company financial, operational and performance data, as well as vendors in key categories.

“We are very proud to be included in the top 1,000 eCommerce sites. We have our dedicated employees and valued partners to thank for this tremendous growth.  We look forward to moving up this list as we add to our product line and services.” said Dovi Kutoff, OrangeOnions’ President & CEO.

OrangeOnions started in Kutoff’s garage in 2007 and has rapidly grown into discount shopping powerhouse. Bargain enthusiasts flock to the site for up to 80% off retail prices on brand-name products from brands such as Black & Decker, Mattel, Bulova, Gund, Delta Children’s Products, Disney and Farberware. The site offers customers a Deal Of The Day promotion and an ongoing $6.99 Flat Rate Shipping(Free on Orders $89+) offer. Popular categories include Home & Garden, Home Décor, Kitchen, Toys and Electronics. They also offer a wide selection of Disney and other favorite character items, like Disney Princess, Tinkerbell, Cars, Dora, Barbie and more.

Visit OrangeOnions at www.orangeonions.com.

Contact the Marketing Department at marketing@orangeonions.com for any opportunities and partnership inquiries.

Thank you for Flying OrangeOnions!

Hi there everybody! Its me again, Oliver, and I know I may be preaching to the choir here, but, like millions of my fellow Americans, I'm deeply troubled by all the insane travel restrictions these days! Back in the day, if a typical family of 4 went to visit Grandma for the weekend, they might pack 8 suitcases, a large duffle bag, 3 rolling carry-ons and a couple of backpacks. Nowadays, of course, we have the insane and terribly annoying "3-1-1 rule", which your friendly TSA agent will explain to you as follows:

"Hey Buddy! 3-1-1! You're only allowed a 3 inch carry on, for this 1 time only, and we'll search that carry on for no less than 1 hour. Sorry sir, TSA regulations..."

We all know how stressful this makes that weekend trip to Grandma. And if you think WE have it hard, how do you think Santa feels?! In the good ol' days, Santa would load up that sleigh floor to ceiling with enough toys and stocking stuffers for the next 3 Christmases! Now? He's limited to one toy per household and is often subjected to humiliating screening procedures in which he has to remove his hat, buckle and white socks! We're lucky that he still comes around!

While I extend my deepest sympathies to Mr. Claus, I have some FANTASTIC news for you. THANKFULLY, at OrangeOnions, there are hundreds of items to choose from, and guess what? Everything at this online discount store is an EXTRA 15% OFF for a limited time with coupon code HOL15 at checkout. AND there is NO LIMIT on how many you can buy and/or carry with you! So to all those TSA restrictions, we say… BAH, HUMBUG!

P.S. I regret to inform you, however, that Federal regulation requires you to remain in your seat until your purchase at OrangeOnions has come to a complete stop.

Until next time,
Oliver!

Lather. Rinse. Repeat? Duh!

Hi Everyone! It’s me, Oliver. If you’re like me you probably get a kick out of reading the handy instructions that you find on everyday products such as shampoo (Lather, rinse, repeat). THANK YOU Head and Shoulders for THAT important and most USEFUL tip! Had I NOT seen those instructions, I might have thought I was supposed to add the shampoo to my Campbell’s Chunky Noodle Soup and wait for my hair to become instantly fuller and thicker with a healthier shine!

Seriously, though, I shouldn’t be so cynical. After all, there are many things in life which don’t come with instructions, but SHOULD! Take the story of Paul and Bonnie Stiller who made headlines way back in 1996 when they tried to light a stick of dynamite and toss it out of their car window at 2:00 a.m. while driving around Andover Township, NJ. The problem was they had forgotten to roll down the window beforehand and sustained major injuries when the stick blew up in Paul’s hands. (True story). I submit to you that this NEVER would have happened and could have been COMPLETELY AVOIDED had the car manufacturer just posted some important safety tips on the car windows. Such as:

1. To roll down window, push button in the downward position.
2. Do not attempt to ignite dynamite while driving.
3. Dynamite that blows up in your hand may cause injury.
4. If you MUST throw dynamite out the window, ensure that window is rolled DOWN.

My point is, people are different and what may seem simple to some people are not so simple to others. So, without insulting anyone’s intelligence, I’d like to offer my step-by-step instructions for "How to save on all your holiday gifts":

1. Go to OrangeOnions and click on the tab that says "Occasions and Seasonal".
2. Click on the word "Christmas".
3. On the left side of the screen you will see the words "Black Friday Deals". Click it. (Or you could skip all the above steps and just click this: Black Friday Deals)
4. Presto! See what cames up???

Now, THAT wasn’t too hard, was it? Once you follow those simple instructions, you’ll find over 70 items to choose from - all 50%-90% off! You can give more gifts than Santa, so don’t wait! Shop the hottest Black Friday Sale before all the deals are gone!

P.S. helpful instructional tip: Your computer must be plugged in or have a battery for it to work.

That’s all folks! Until next time,
Oliver

Christmas Trees… (Tree included)

Hey there! Surprise, surprise. It's me again, Oliver! One of my favorite lines from comedian Steven Wright is this one: "I bought a package of batteries... They weren't included". When you really think about it though, NOTHING will dampen that Christmas cheer quite like tearing open those delightful gifts only to realize that the Super Double Duper X250, nuclear powered, geo thermal, laser guided water gun that your Aunt Charlotte spent her life savings on, didn't come with batteries! Folks, this should be illegal.

Thankfully, this never actually happened to ME at Christmas time (because I don't HAVE an Aunt Charlotte) but if it did, I can assure you, I would have cried my eyeballs out from Christmas until New Years. So I beg of you! For the sake of children everywhere! Call your local congressman and push for legislation to force companies to INCLUDE batteries in their products! Ok, maybe we don't have to go THAT far (not to mention, your local politician is busy worrying about more important things, such as getting re-elected in two years), but I do have good news for you....

OrangeOnions has plenty of items that actually COME WITH BATTERIES! How do you like THAT? Specifically, I want to tell you about the rotating, musical plush Christmas Tree by Gund! Sure to become an instant classic, this beautiful collectible will put the perfect finishing touches on your Christmas decor. AND, considering the fact that it’s only $14.99, (and batteries ARE included), this deal won’t last long! In fact, you may want to keep an eye on Santa when he drops in. He may be tempted to swipe it for his own mantle back home. So stop by my favorite online discount store today and get in the Christmas spirit!

P.S. Not to belabor the point; but just think how Santa, as a young boy, would have felt if he opened up his brand new sleigh and the little sticker read “Reindeer NOT included”. I can cry just thinking about it.

Until next time folks,
Oliver Claus (Onions included)

Zanesville Anybody?

Hello Everybody! Oliver again. How have you all been? (Don't answer that. This isn't a live chat). If you're looking for an exotic honeymoon spot or thrilling vacation destination, chances are you've thought about spending time in beautiful Zanesville, Ohio; a town as beautiful as its name. Ok, maybe you HAVEN'T considered Zanesville but if there's a list out there of the 10 million most popular  vacation hotspots, Zanesville would be on it! (Somewhere between Cancun and Gary, Indiana. Probably closer down the list to Gary).

Now, anyone who knows ANYTHING about Zanesville would know that it was founded in 1797 on land owned by Ebenezer Zane (true fact). What they may NOT know is that the very first ceramic cookie jar was produced by the Brush Pottery Company in the late 1920’s. How’s that for a little cookie jar trivia, huh?

Americans have always been fascinated with cookie jars and most of us have fond childhood memories of getting caught with our pudgy little hands reaching into Grandma’s cookie jar. I should clarify – the fond memories were of the cookies; getting spanked with the spatula - eh, maybe not so fond.

Either way, cookie jars have been a part of American kitchens for nearly a hundred years and NOW, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to introduce you to the next generation of cookie jars: the Gift Box Cookie Jars, brought to you by OrangeOnions! These gorgeous ceramic treasures are hand painted and just BEG for the next generation of little ones to go fishing for cookies! The best part of it all – for a limited time, they are all 50% off with free shipping when you do your bargain shopping online! So forget about the calories because those cookies never looked so good as they do now! Stop by and pick one up today at the OrangeOnions Online Discount Store!

P.S. If you ARE actually honeymooning in Zanesville, uh, we need to talk.

Until next time,
Oliver Von Zanesville

Move Over Otto!

Hello there everybody! It's me Oliver and I'm here to share with you some exciting news! We've all heard the expression "the greatest thing since sliced bread" but, with all due respect to Otto Frederick Rohwedder (yes, that was his REAL name), the inventor of the bread slicing machine; that expression is about to go the way of rotary phones and tape recorders. Because, NOW, ladies and gentlemen (and oranges and onions), there is a new product sweeping the American landscape that will spawn the following term 50 years from now:

IT'S THE GREATEST THING SINCE THE ELECTRIC SOUP MAKER!

This incredible invention allows you to make delectable homemade soups in just 30 minutes without having to wash a single pot! It's a heated blender that's easy to use and with winter fast approaching, there's no better way to warm up! This is NOT to take anything away from Mr. Rohwedder, because let’s admit it: Sliced bread is pretty cool.

*Little interesting side note* – although his invention first hit the market in 1928, he was actually close to putting it out 11 years earlier but a fire destroyed the factory where he worked, destroying his blueprints, prototype and setting him back financially. Needing funding and having to start all over, the world would have to wait 11 years to enjoy sliced bread. You can file that nugget away under: "Completely useless, yet interesting bits of information that may or may not come in handy one day".

Well, anyway, while doing your online discount shopping this holiday season, stop by OrangeOnions and pick up an Electric Soup Maker... the greatest thing since sliced bread!

P.S. please be considerate and refrain from using orange onions in your soup. On behalf of orange onions everywhere, I sincerely thank you for your consideration.

Until next time,
Oliver!