Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Thank you for Flying OrangeOnions!

Hi there everybody! Its me again, Oliver, and I know I may be preaching to the choir here, but, like millions of my fellow Americans, I'm deeply troubled by all the insane travel restrictions these days! Back in the day, if a typical family of 4 went to visit Grandma for the weekend, they might pack 8 suitcases, a large duffle bag, 3 rolling carry-ons and a couple of backpacks. Nowadays, of course, we have the insane and terribly annoying "3-1-1 rule", which your friendly TSA agent will explain to you as follows:

"Hey Buddy! 3-1-1! You're only allowed a 3 inch carry on, for this 1 time only, and we'll search that carry on for no less than 1 hour. Sorry sir, TSA regulations..."

We all know how stressful this makes that weekend trip to Grandma. And if you think WE have it hard, how do you think Santa feels?! In the good ol' days, Santa would load up that sleigh floor to ceiling with enough toys and stocking stuffers for the next 3 Christmases! Now? He's limited to one toy per household and is often subjected to humiliating screening procedures in which he has to remove his hat, buckle and white socks! We're lucky that he still comes around!

While I extend my deepest sympathies to Mr. Claus, I have some FANTASTIC news for you. THANKFULLY, at OrangeOnions, there are hundreds of items to choose from, and guess what? Everything at this online discount store is an EXTRA 15% OFF for a limited time with coupon code HOL15 at checkout. AND there is NO LIMIT on how many you can buy and/or carry with you! So to all those TSA restrictions, we say… BAH, HUMBUG!

Shop the OrangeOnions Online Discount Store for 15% Off

P.S. I regret to inform you, however, that Federal regulation requires you to remain in your seat until your purchase at OrangeOnions has come to a complete stop.

Until next time,
Oliver!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Lather. Rinse. Repeat? Duh!

Hi Everyone! It’s me, Oliver. If you’re like me you probably get a kick out of reading the handy instructions that you find on everyday products such as shampoo (Lather, rinse, repeat). THANK YOU Head and Shoulders for THAT important and most USEFUL tip! Had I NOT seen those instructions, I might have thought I was supposed to add the shampoo to my Campbell’s Chunky Noodle Soup and wait for my hair to become instantly fuller and thicker with a healthier shine!

Seriously, though, I shouldn’t be so cynical. After all, there are many things in life which don’t come with instructions, but SHOULD! Take the story of Paul and Bonnie Stiller who made headlines way back in 1996 when they tried to light a stick of dynamite and toss it out of their car window at 2:00 a.m. while driving around Andover Township, NJ. The problem was they had forgotten to roll down the window beforehand and sustained major injuries when the stick blew up in Paul’s hands. (True story). I submit to you that this NEVER would have happened and could have been COMPLETELY AVOIDED had the car manufacturer just posted some important safety tips on the car windows. Such as:

  1. To roll down window, push button in the downward position.
  2. Do not attempt to ignite dynamite while driving.
  3. Dynamite that blows up in your hand may cause injury.
  4. If you MUST throw dynamite out the window, ensure that window is rolled DOWN.

My point is, people are different and what may seem simple to some people are not so simple to others. So, without insulting anyone’s intelligence, I’d like to offer my step-by-step instructions for "How to save on all your holiday gifts":

  1. Go to OrangeOnions and click on the tab that says "Occasions and Seasonal".
  2. Click on the word "Christmas".
  3. On the left side of the screen you will see the words "Black Friday Deals". Click it. (Or you could skip all the above steps and just click this: Black Friday Deals)
  4. Presto! See what cames up???

Now, THAT wasn’t too hard, was it? Once you follow those simple instructions, you’ll find over 70 items to choose from - all 50%-90% off! You can give more gifts than Santa, so don’t wait! Shop the hottest Black Friday Sale before all the deals are gone!

P.S. helpful instructional tip: Your computer must be plugged in or have a battery for it to work.

That’s all folks! Until next time,
Oliver

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Christmas Trees… (Tree included)

Hey there! Surprise, surprise. It's me again, Oliver! One of my favorite lines from comedian Steven Wright is this one: "I bought a package of batteries... They weren't included". When you really think about it though, NOTHING will dampen that Christmas cheer quite like tearing open those delightful gifts only to realize that the Super Double Duper X250, nuclear powered, geo thermal, laser guided water gun that your Aunt Charlotte spent her life savings on, didn't come with batteries! Folks, this should be illegal.

Thankfully, this never actually happened to ME at Christmas time (because I don't HAVE an Aunt Charlotte) but if it did, I can assure you, I would have cried my eyeballs out from Christmas until New Years. So I beg of you! For the sake of children everywhere! Call your local congressman and push for legislation to force companies to INCLUDE batteries in their products! Ok, maybe we don't have to go THAT far (not to mention, your local politician is busy worrying about more important things, such as getting re-elected in two years), but I do have good news for you....

OrangeOnions has plenty of items that actually COME WITH BATTERIES! How do you like THAT? Specifically, I want to tell you about the rotating, musical plush Christmas Tree by Gund! Sure to become an instant classic, this beautiful collectible will put the perfect finishing touches on your Christmas decor. AND, considering the fact that it’s only $14.99, (and batteries ARE included), this deal won’t last long! In fact, you may want to keep an eye on Santa when he drops in. He may be tempted to swipe it for his own mantle back home. So stop by my favorite online discount store today and get in the Christmas spirit!

P.S. Not to belabor the point; but just think how Santa, as a young boy, would have felt if he opened up his brand new sleigh and the little sticker read “Reindeer NOT included”. I can cry just thinking about it.

Until next time folks,
Oliver Claus (Onions included)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Zanesville Anybody?

Hello Everybody! Oliver again. How have you all been? (Don't answer that. This isn't a live chat). If you're looking for an exotic honeymoon spot or thrilling vacation destination, chances are you've thought about spending time in beautiful Zanesville, Ohio; a town as beautiful as its name. Ok, maybe you HAVEN'T considered Zanesville but if there's a list out there of the 10 million most popular  vacation hotspots, Zanesville would be on it! (Somewhere between Cancun and Gary, Indiana. Probably closer down the list to Gary).

Now, anyone who knows ANYTHING about Zanesville would know that it was founded in 1797 on land owned by Ebenezer Zane (true fact). What they may NOT know is that the very first ceramic cookie jar was produced by the Brush Pottery Company in the late 1920’s. How’s that for a little cookie jar trivia, huh?

Americans have always been fascinated with cookie jars and most of us have fond childhood memories of getting caught with our pudgy little hands reaching into Grandma’s cookie jar. I should clarify – the fond memories were of the cookies; getting spanked with the spatula - eh, maybe not so fond.

Either way, cookie jars have been a part of American kitchens for nearly a hundred years and NOW, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to introduce you to the next generation of cookie jars: the Gift Box Cookie Jars, brought to you by OrangeOnions! These gorgeous ceramic treasures are hand painted and just BEG for the next generation of little ones to go fishing for cookies! The best part of it all – for a limited time, they are all 50% off with free shipping when you do your bargain shopping online! So forget about the calories because those cookies never looked so good as they do now! Stop by and pick one up today at the OrangeOnions Online Discount Store!



P.S. If you ARE actually honeymooning in Zanesville, uh, we need to talk.

Until next time,
Oliver Von Zanesville

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Move Over Otto!

Hello there everybody! It's me Oliver and I'm here to share with you some exciting news! We've all heard the expression "the greatest thing since sliced bread" but, with all due respect to Otto Frederick Rohwedder (yes, that was his REAL name), the inventor of the bread slicing machine; that expression is about to go the way of rotary phones and tape recorders. Because, NOW, ladies and gentlemen (and oranges and onions), there is a new product sweeping the American landscape that will spawn the following term 50 years from now:

IT'S THE GREATEST THING SINCE THE ELECTRIC SOUP MAKER!

This incredible invention allows you to make delectable homemade soups in just 30 minutes without having to wash a single pot! It's a heated blender that's easy to use and with winter fast approaching, there's no better way to warm up! This is NOT to take anything away from Mr. Rohwedder, because let’s admit it: Sliced bread is pretty cool.



*Little interesting side note* – although his invention first hit the market in 1928, he was actually close to putting it out 11 years earlier but a fire destroyed the factory where he worked, destroying his blueprints, prototype and setting him back financially. Needing funding and having to start all over, the world would have to wait 11 years to enjoy sliced bread. You can file that nugget away under: "Completely useless, yet interesting bits of information that may or may not come in handy one day".

Well, anyway, while doing your online discount shopping this holiday season, stop by OrangeOnions and pick up an Electric Soup Maker... the greatest thing since sliced bread!

P.S. please be considerate and refrain from using orange onions in your soup. On behalf of orange onions everywhere, I sincerely thank you for your consideration.

Until next time,
Oliver!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

ONLY IN AMERICA!

Hello there people! Its me, Oliver and I'm here to talk to you about being grateful. Yes, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and it's time to be thankful for all the wonderful things we love about this great country. (I, for one am grateful that the Thanksgiving custom is to eat pumpkin pie, and not, say orange cobbler or onion pie).

Now, granted, life is not always perfect and I'm sure we could do without a few things like annoying lines at the Department of Motor Vehicles, overly aggressive telemarketers and pesky mosquitoes. (Just imagine how different life would be if only Noah had swatted those 2 measly mosquitoes!). All that said, we are very fortunate here in America, where we can freely visit places such as the Museum of Bad Art (I am not making this up, this is a real museum in Dedham, Massachusetts) or, if you're so inclined, you can drive through small town America and visit places like Lost Springs, Wyoming or Monowi, Nebraska. Those towns are the only 2 towns in this country with a population of... 1! I am NOT making this up. AND, believe it or not, they actually have their own zip codes! That may seem like a completely useless bit of information to you but I find that fascinating. (I wonder if whoever lives in those towns ever gets the wrong mail delivered by accident).

Anyway, there are so many reasons to love this country, not the least of which, you can freely log on to OrangeOnions any day of the week, any time of the day and find unbeatable deals on unbelievable products! So take a few minutes today to browse your favorite online discount store and find what you need for Halloween, Thanksgiving or just any day of the year! Well, anyway, gotta run. I'm writing in my candidacy for mayor of Lost Springs, Wyoming.

Until next time,
Oliver, soon to be Mayor Oliver, the Orange Onion

Monday, October 11, 2010

GENERALLY SPEAKING...

Hello Everybody!

It's me, Oliver, and I'm here today to sound the alarm and bring you a warning from the Surgeon General! By the way, this always struck me as odd. Why do we call him the "Surgeon General"? I understand we wouldn't want to refer to him as a "General Surgeon" because that wouldn't distinguish him from thousands of other general surgeons across the country, but "Surgeon General"?! Come on here people! My 5th grade grammar teacher, Ms. Simms, must be shaking her head in disbelief at this gross abuse of the English vernacular. Do you know of any other government officials that are so named? There is no Vice President General, Treasury Secretary General or Secretary of State General! I'm sure that Surgeon feels pretty darn special but I don't know why he has to be different than everyone else. Well, anyway, enough of my rant against the Surgeon. I'm here to inform you of the following important safety announcement:

THE FOLLOWING DEAL MAY CAUSE UNCONTROLLED EXCITEMENT. IF YOU HAVE A HEART CONDITION PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE READING THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.

Thank you, Mr. General. Now here's the exciting part... at OrangeOnions for a limited time All Clocks are 60% Off! No, you're eyes are not going bad, you read correctly... I said 60% OFF! As in SIXTY, not 10, not 20, I said 60. That's a pretty amazing discount off of ALREADY amazing prices on a large selection of Bulova & Disney Clocks! But hurry because there are only 4 days left in what may be the Biggest Clock Sale EVER at my favorite online discount store!

P.S. Surgeon General's Warning: Never EVER read a Surgeon General's warning while operating heavy machinery.

Until next time,
Oliver the Orange Onion General

Monday, October 4, 2010

Halloween is Fun! (No, really. It is.)


Well folks, the good ol' holiday of Halloween is fast approaching and the question on everybody's mind is of course this:

Why do we insist on abbreviating the word "old" and using the word " ol' " when it doesn't really make the word any shorter??

Truth is, we're also wondering what we can do to make the holiday extra special. I'm sure you all know the deep meanings behind Halloween. The word Halloween comes from the Latin words "Hallow" (meaning Egg your Neighbor's) and "Ween" (meaning House). Unless you've been living in some far away Galaxy you probably already knew that.

You also probably know by now that the average Halloween will cost a typical family of 4 between $18,000 and 5 zillion dollars a year between costumes, candies, pumpkins, decorations and your children's post Halloween dentist bills. What you may NOT have known about are the Scary Halloween Deals going on right now at my favorite Online Discount Store to help ease the burden on your wallet. PLUS, right now you can enter to win 1 of 4 Inflatable Deer Halloween Costumes! Now THAT'S a scary good deal! So stop by OrangeOnions today and make this Halloween your best one ever!

Win this Costume!

Now go get in the joyous, holiday spirit and Hallow your neighbor's Ween. We're sure they'll love and appreciate your good natured holiday spirit!

Until next time,
Oliver, thankfully not an egg, the Orange Onion

Monday, August 30, 2010

Surprise! Your Wallet Just Got Heavier!

Surprise everybody! Don't you love to hear that word?! Everybody loves a good surprise. Well, I should qualify that statement- everybody loves to be on the RECEIVING end of a good surprise. Then there are those dedicated individuals who seem to make it their life mission to pull surprises on their friends and families and everyone in between. Like my Dad for example. He made such a habit out of surprising Mom on her birthday that one year she actually set the table for her own surprise party, knowing full well that Dad would come in the door with a cake in his hand! Either way, surprises can be fun.

Then there are those surprises that are not quite as fun; such as discovering that the "mud" all over the bottom of your shoe is in fact, not "mud" at all. Or, when you run out the door to go pick up your kids' carpool, only to discover that you locked your keys in the car. Those kinds of surprises we can live without.

At OrangeOnions, they don't like bad surprises either... so you'll NEVER have to worry about buying a toy for $9.99 and discovering that you were charged $49.99 for shipping and handling. You can relax and breathe easier while bargain shopping knowing that the MOST you'll pay on shipping is $6.99. PLUS, when you order over $89, your shipping is absolutely FREE! How's THAT for a nice surprise!? I don't know about you, but saving money is one of my favorite kinds of surprises. Sure beats the just-returned-from-vacation-and-discovered-your-basement-is-full-of-water kind of surprise, doesn't it??? I thought so.

Until next time,
Sir Surprise-A-Lot

Friday, August 20, 2010

The "Orange Days" of Summer? Hmmm...

Hello Everybody!

Well, here we are in the dog days of summer, when we start to realize that maybe winter isn't so bad after all. Come to think of it, ever wonder why it's called the "dog days?" What is THAT supposed to mean? Are dogs the only hot ones around here? When I was growing up in Cleveland, OH I used to hear the term "dog days" in reference to the long days of summer when my beloved Cleveland Indians were plodding along, 400 games out of first place. It never dawned on me to question the term.

Now that I'm older, wiser, (and have access to this wonderful new invention called the internet), I decided to do some research. Well, I found the answer, but frankly its not that exciting. It has something to do with the ancient Greek constellation system, a Greek writer named Plutarch (what were his parents THINKING?!) and a mythical dog named Kyon. Either way, the days between early July and early September are known as the "dog days of summer" until this day.

My favorite online discount store has their own definition of "dog days." It's a great time to drop by and treat your cuddly canine to something special from their Pet Supplies. Fido and Fifi can get cozy and comfy in a luxurious Brainstorm Bed or Blanket or just kick back and relax in any one of the plush chairs by Bucchi. And if you get really adventurous and you're taking your dog with you on your weekend getaway, make sure you pack along the newest Sleeping Bag for Dogs! Whatever the season, every day is a "dog day" at OrangeOnions!

Signing off until next time,
Oliver "glad my name isn't Plutarch" the Orange Onion

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Of Backpacks and Backaches...

Hello Everybody!

It's me, Oliver, and if you recall, recently I talked to you about school supplies and what a burden they can be. Today, I'd like to talk to you about a different KIND of burden. A physical one, actually. I'm talking about the incredible amount of weight that our kids put into their backpacks these days. Why on Earth do some children feel it necessary to load their backpacks with everything but the kitchen sink? If I didn't know otherwise, I would swear my 9 year old comes home from school looking like he just spent a week hiking in the Himalayas. I try to tell him that his math books will not self destruct if he left them in his locker overnight but to no avail. He insists, (and apparently most of his classmates do this too), on bringing home every day, 3-4 textbooks, 2 notebooks, his leftover lunch, baseball glove, 4 Snickers bars, and 5-6 Watermelon-size ROCKS ("really cool ones!") that he found in the school yard. I have no idea HOW they survive the walk from the bus to the house but somehow they do.

As my pleas have fallen on deaf ears, I've decided to live by the credo- "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and so I look for the most durable backpacks on the market; backpacks that can withstand the rigors of my children's payload. That's why I go to my favorite discount store where you'll find the most incredible selection of quality school backpacks and rolling backpacks on the web. Plus, with options such as Batman, Elmo, Spiderman, Hello Kitty, Disnes Princess and Tinkerbell, there is a bookbag for every child. Stop by today and see why OrangeOnions is the number one place to go for school backpacks!



Surgeon General's Warning: Carrying more than 800 lbs in a backpack can cause minor discomfort.

Until next time,
Overloaded Oliver

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I LOVE HOMEWORK!!

Now THAT is something you hear kids say ALL the time, right? Don't your kids just LOVE homework?? Of course they do! IF they're aliens from planet Zenon. Here on Earth, however, kids enjoy homework about as much as they enjoy getting their cavities filled. After spending a long day at school, the average kid will probably not be TOO thrilled to do 40 math problems and write a report on the 18 species of apes found in Ecuador. But that is exactly what they do. And parents dread the daily battles; pleading, begging and cajoling their little ones to do their homework. In fact, this is why many parents give up the struggle and do the homework themselves. This explains why many kids who would have a tough time tying their own shoes come in with science projects that look like they can be on display at the Smithsonian. That's because the only part of the project done by little Bobby was the part where he scrawled his name on the back of it.

Well, OrangeOnions has many solutions to cure the homework blues. For starters, check out the selection of Disney Children's desks. Priced at under $50.00, these adorable desks will make your child RUN to do homework. Ok, maybe not run, but it will make it tolerable! And don't stop there. They have nearly 250 Back to School deals, which equals 250 ways to make homework that much easier. Plus, with the Back to School Sale, you'll save more money in the process. So stop by today! Happy discount shopping!


Oh, and you, Bobby's mom; the Nobel society called to tell you that they have rejected your Volcano as a possible Nobel prize winner in the "Great Advances in Chemistry" category.

Your Homework Hero,
Oliver

Monday, July 26, 2010

It's all about "Supplies and Demands"

Hello anxious and frazzled Parents!

Ah, yes, its the (2nd) most wonderful time of the year! The joys of "Back to School" shopping! It wasn't too long ago that Parents the world over were putting away money for their children's "college fund." Today, however, schools have fallen in love with the now dreaded term: SCHOOL SUPPLIES which has drained the average parent's bank account to the point where, if you still have any money left to send Junior to College, he/she will have to take a student loan simply to pay off their school supply list from the 4th grade. It no longer suffices to simply ask a student to come with a pack of #2 pencils. No, today the average school supply list looks like a psychobabbled manifesto from the Unabomber; filled with all sorts of insane demands and requests.

Here is a typical list your 1st grader will receive in the mail, requesting that you purchase the following:
  • 4 packs of #2 pencils
  • 3 truck loads of WASHABLE markers
  • 5 boxes of Puffs Plus tissues with Aloe and Ginseng extract
  • 1 wooden ruler
  • 2 compasses (to ensure SOMEBODY gets hurt and the school nurse earns her salary)
  • A chainsaw (for Arts and Crafts of course)
  • 82 plastic folders
And the next line reads:
Turn to page 2 to see what your child will need for the SECOND day of school...

Good grief! The list goes on and on and on! Well, I'm here with some FANTASTIC news! OrangeOnions is trying to ease the burden as you get ready to go Back to School. From college dorm room supplies to rolling backpacks for school, OrangeOnions has everything you need to head Back to School. So unless you really WANT to spend oodles and oodles of cash at your local retailer, why don't you do your discount shopping online where you can save $5, $10, or $15 and put some money back into that college fund!



Psst... Did I mention we have some great deals on a frozon concoction maker to celebrate the peace and quiet?

Until next time,
SeƱor School Supply, Oliver

Monday, July 19, 2010

Why Can't They Invent a Cordless Extension Cord?

Hello everybody!

It's me Oliver and I'm here today to talk to you about the joys of being "cordless." You see; Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, etc... were all brilliant inventors who; despite their penchant for wearing funny looking, knee-high white socks, were also wonderful people who made tremendous contributions to society. As a matter of fact; after Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, we were treated to perhaps the dumbest quote in American history. It came from then President Rutherford B. Hayes who after trying Mr. Bell's invention said (and I'm not making this up), "An amazing invention, but why would anyone want to use it?" Needless to say, you will not find too many mothers today who name their sons Rutherford.

My point is, that with all due respect to these great Americans and their inventions, their inventions lacked the single most important feature... They weren't CORDLESS. Now I'm sure that whoever invented the extension cord was also a great guy but just THINK about how much harder our lives would be if, say, our cars all had to be plugged in while driving. We wouldn't get very far and traffic would be constantly tangled up. Think how dangerous it would be for airplanes criss-crossing through the skies with 800 mile extension cords in their wake! So I submit to you that the cordless feature is the single greatest advance in modern technology!

With that in mind I'd like to introduce you to the latest achievement in the world of all things cordless. Ladies and Gentlemen... Please welcome the cordless Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker! You can take this hardware from heaven to the beach, on a picnic, on your yacht or just your backyard. It can make up to 80 drinks on a single charge so you can make even a weekend visit to your in-laws feel like paradise. Well, maybe not paradise, but it'll be a bit more exciting! So pick one up today at your favorite discount store and experience Margaritaville... Unplugged.



Until next time,
Rutherford the Orange Onion
(I felt bad for President Hayes)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Highly Sensitive Savings! Shhh...

Hello Everybody!

It's me, ******! You know who I am but with all the news reports about all the spying that's going around, I'm being extra careful with my identity. If you want my opinion, all this espionage is just childish and immature. When I was growing up, I NEVER spied on foreign countries, especially those with big, scary nuclear weapons. (My mother would've spanked me.) For crying out loud, can't we all just get along?! The cold war was like, soooooo 1985! We're all friends now, aren't we? If Russia wanted some of our highly sensitive, national secrets, shouldn't Vladimir Putin just be able to pick up his Blackberry and text his good buddy, President Obama something like: "Hey B.O.! Wuzzup buddy? Got any top secret info for me? TTYL! KIT! Love, A&F, your BBF, Poots"

Seriously, people. This has to stop before somebody gets hurt and lots of people end up in jail. Which brings me to my point. While these people are having fun passing all kinds of secret codes between each other (I can't even keep track anymore- was it Russians spying on Americans in Russia? Americans spying on Russians in America? I can't keep score.), you can visit OrangeOnions.com and find all kinds of codes, none of which will land you in a Soviet gulag. There are promotional codes that you can enter at checkout to save even MORE off the great prices you already see while doing your bargain shopping online! For example, you may want to enter "SCHOOL" to save money on your Back to School supplies and rolling backpacks.

Can't find a fun enough code at OrangeOnions??? Sign up for the OrangeOnions Newsletter and they will begin to appear in your inbox. But don't worry, these codes won't spy on your other emails.

Whatever code you may come across, at OrangeOnions, you can have all the fun you want and you'll always find ways to save at this online discount store! So stop by today, I'll be waiting for you! (I'll be wearing a long grey trench coat, dark sunglasses and I'll have a newspaper open in front of me. You never know who's watching.)

Until next time,
******

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Rip Van Winkle… What could have been…

Hello everybody!!

It’s me Oliver and I wanted to talk to you about missed opportunities. We’ve all met that friend or family member who ALMOST COULD’VE, OR PROBABLY SHOULD’VE AND DEFINITELY WOULD’VE been the greatest professional (insert profession here) if he/she only had done this or that and the other thing. You have no doubt met this annoying friend or family member at a Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas party or family reunion. Thank goodness there were other people around or you may have strangled that person.

The lesson learned though, is obvious. Life is full of opportunities and when they present themselves, you have to take advantage! At OrangeOnions, they have a feature called the Deal of the Day which gives you an opportunity to take an already incredibly low priced item at an even LOWER price! But you only have 24 hours to act and then it’s on to the next daily deal! You’ve probably heard about Rip Van Winkle, the fellow who slept for 20 years straight and always credited his Bazoongi kids fun fleece slumber bag for what he called "the most comfortable 20 year sleep I’ve ever had". What you may not know, however, is that according to some historians, upon awakening, Rip went straight to his favorite discount online shopping site to purchase a coffee maker and was ready to start the day off fresh. But then it hit him! Those LOST OPPORTUNITIES! He realized that while he slept, he missed out on 7,300 DAILY DEALS! Broken and depressed by that horrible realization, Rip lived out the rest of his days bemoaning those daily deals that got away while he slept. The Van Winkle family stopped having parties altogether because of Rip’s incessant complaining.

So listen up my friends, take a lesson from Rip and don’t let opportunities pass you by! Check out the Deal of the Day today! (And every day for that matter).

Until next time,
Oliver Van Onion

Friday, July 2, 2010

Now Where Did I Put that Gift????

Hello Everybody!

Its me, Oliver and I'm here to help you find exactly what you're looking for!! Huh? You're not looking for anything? Well, you may not be NOW, but we're always looking for something! We all know that feeling- you're walking around the house, going in circles, looking high and low for your glasses and after about 20 minutes you come to the embarrassing realization... You're actually WEARING THEM. Admit it, you HAVE done this at least once (unless of course you don't HAVE glasses). The truth is, you need not be embarrassed my friend. We are all so busy with our daily lives that we tend to put our bodies in drive without first shifting our brains into gear. Because of that, we all spend insane amounts of time looking for our car keys, umbrellas, receipts, glasses, jackets, caps, boots and occasionally your pet hamster, Ernest, who got loose in your son's sock drawer.

Well I'm here with some REALLY, REALLY good news. There's one thing we all have an IMPOSSIBLE time finding... the PERFECT GIFT. Well, folks, those days are OVER. You know the feeling. 72 hours to go before your son/ daughter/ brother/ sister's graduation/ engagement party/ birthday and you're starting to sweat as you frantically pace the aisles of your local gift shop (the 3rd one you stopped at this afternoon) and you're pulling your hair out. Exasperated after hours of trying to find the perfect gift idea, you put down the plastic "Congrats" bobblehead and vow to come up with an excuse to skip the party. Well its time for you to RELAX!!!

The OrangeOnions discount store has this wonderful little feature appropriately called the "Gift Finder". This magical feature takes the aggravation out of gift finding and makes your life a WHOLE LOT EASIER! You simply click on the gift finder wizard, pull down the drop down menu and click on the "occasion". Whatever the celebration, OrangeOnions is sure to have something perfect for that special someone! Birthday? No problem. Holiday? We got you covered. Your son successfully completed the 92nd level of Mutant Pigs of the Serengeti? Well... Heck, I'm sure there's gift ideas for him too. So check it out today, find a gift and go get dressed because you're GOING to that party. No excuses now.

Well, I'm going to sign off for now. Now, where did I put my pen... Never mind, its propped on my ear.

Until next time,
Oliver

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Looks Like Rain. Or Sun. Or Both. Maybe Neither.

Hello there people! It’s me, Oliver and I want to talk about the weather. Now, I realize that this may strike you as odd because usually you only discuss the weather when you find yourself standing in a doctor’s office/elevator/auto shop/train and in the absence of anything else to talk about with the complete stranger standing next to you, you blurt out something REALLY intelligent, such as "Beautiful day out there, huh?" only to remember that it’s a minor hurricane out there or there are 21 inches of snow falling as you speak. Truth be told, neither you, nor the stranger you’re talking to, give a hoot about the weather. Nevertheless, we humans don’t enjoy awkward moments of silence and so we feel the urge to discuss the weather with anyone and everyone and frankly, nobody knows what they’re talking about.

I actually have a friend, Kevin Marcus, (this is a true story) who earns his living as a "long range weather forecaster." There are companies that actually PAY him to forecast, for example, what the Soybean crop in Mogadishu will look like 2 years from now. Now I don’t know about you, but I always assumed that the local TV weatherman where I live must have been run over by a stray cumulonimbus cloud because he can’t accurately predict what will be 3 minutes from now. So how the heck Kevin knows what the weather will look like in a YEAR OR TWO FROM NOW is beyond me. But, that’s his job, so good for him! I still think he’s making it all up. Well, why am I telling you all this? (After all, you are NOT a complete stranger.) The reason I am telling you this is because now, you too, can be like Kevin. You see at OrangeOnions, you can get the Discovery Channel Forecasting WeatherTech Station or the Storm Tracker and always be ready to face the elements. Best of all, after 5 minutes, you may be knowledgeable enough to apply for a certain job with my local TV station.

Well that’s my weather rant for the day, but as a wise man once said "Everybody talks about the weather, yet nobody does anything about it."

Partly Orange with a mix of scattered Onions,
Oliver

Friday, June 25, 2010

Good Vs. Evel? It's a No Brainer...

Hellooooo Oranges and Onions!

It is I, Oliver, and I want to talk to you about one of the most interesting and colorful personalities in recent American history. I'm talking, of course, about Al Gore. I'm sorry folks, that was a typo! I'm referring to the legendary Evel Knievel!

In the 60's and 70's, Evel Knievel became world famous as the first (and only) man with the name "Evel." In addition, he became famous for amazing stunts performed on his motorcycle. He jumped over cars, trucks, buses, you name it, he jumped over it on his bike. His popularity soared greatly because of his many accidents and it is estimated Evel broke approximately 42,573 bones over the course of his career. As a result of all those broken bones, by the time Evel turned 60 he looked like a cross between Shrek and Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Because frankly, Evel could have spared himself a WHOLE lot of trouble and countless body parts had he just visited the OrangeOnions online discount store and jumped around in the Backyard Barnyard Jumper instead of attempting to jump the Grand Canyon. Or the Fisher Price Mega, Sesame Street or Banzai Inflatable Bouncer for that matter! Any of these would have been a FAR safer alternative and a LOT less costly!! Best of all, Evel would have gotten FREE SHIPPING! Oh well. He probably didn't think of it with all those bumps to the head...



Until next time, your favorite historian and aspiring daredevil,
Oliver

Friday, June 18, 2010

In Loving Memory of Uga, the Inventor of the “Fad”

Hello there people!

It’s me, Oliver and I’m here to talk to you about “Fads”. We all know what fads are, and depending on what generation you happen to be a part of you have no doubt been influenced by a number of them. According to historians the first recorded fad developed shortly after the invention of the wheel when a young boy named Uga realized that he could stuff tennis balls in between the spokes of the family wheel. Sadly, Uga never lived to witness the popularity of this fad as he was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex while out hunting for tennis balls.

However, Uga’s contribution to modern society is evident everywhere and Americans have been embracing fads for as long as we can remember. There are the “Harmless and Cute” fads, such as the yo-yo and the Rubik’s Cube. The 70’s and 80’s had a slew of “Fashion” fads, such as penny loafers, multi colored silk shirts, and 42 ounces of hairspray on the head of the average teenager. There were some fads which are flat-out dangerous, like the brilliant “banana seat” bikes. You see, the genius who came up with that idea never took into consideration that maybe, just MAYBE, there might be kids crazy enough (me, my brothers, my friends etc..) who would attempt to see how many people could fit on the bike seat and ride at the same time. It was always a rocking good time until the “driver” who couldn’t see 6 inches in front of him with 7 other kids sitting on the seat crashed into a tree or drove straight into an open manhole cover. Ah, those were the days! There have been some fads which can only be classified as “somebody was really drunk and came up with this utterly ridiculous idea which somehow spread like wildfire” fads, such as Gumby (huh?), spandex shorts (good grief), pet rocks (HUH??) and some really catchy marketing slogans like “Drink Pepsi, Get Stuff” (how long did it take them to come up with THAT brilliant theme?).

My point is that fads are everywhere and we all love them. As the saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, OrangeOnions has done just that. This online discount store has the latest fad that’s sweeping the American landscape – Silly Bands! These rubber shaped bracelets are the hottest new fashion accessory and they are flying off the shelves everywhere you turn. Put down your yo-yo and look around you. You’ll see people wearing these crazy Silly Bands bracelets in the shapes of animals, cars, sports objects etc… You name it, they’re wearing it. Stop by OrangeOnions today where you can get a package of 72 Assorted Silly Bands for Only $7.99! At that price you may want to think about buying some extra arms!


Well folks, I’d love to chat more but I have to run home, put on my “Members Only” jacket and stare at my lava lamp.

Ciao,
Oliver the Orange Onion, Professor of Fad-ology

Thursday, June 10, 2010

OF GRILLS AND THRILLS… (caution: this page may spontaneously explode)

Hello my Orange friends!

It’s me, Oliver and I’m here to help all you men out there, all you self-proclaimed, Grill Gurus and Barons of the Barbecue! I fondly remember all those Sunday afternoons of my youth, when after a long and exhausting day of watching football, we’d gather around the grill and watch Dad try to get the grill going. It was always an adventure and very often, our neighbors would marvel at the mushroom cloud that would hover over our backyard after Dad finally got that sucker fired up. As kids, we always assumed Dad went bald naturally, and had no idea that his shiny dome was due to an errant fireball, belched up by our gas grill. Ah, the memories!

Fortunately, we survived all those Near Death Experiences and other than suffering from an occasional nightmare in which my childhood home is hurtled into outer space at 17,000 miles an hour by an exploding propane tank with my Dad’s face on it, we’ve all adjusted to lead somewhat normal and well adjusted lives.

And today, ladies and gentlemen, I have some wonderful news for you. My favorite online discount store is proud to introduce you to the Margaritaville Hitch Mount Propane Tailgating Grill! There is nothing else quite like this grill. Let’s face it. We all LOVE to grill, we grill on holidays, weekends and all throughout the spring and summer. Yet, those trips to the state park or the ball game can become quite messy and complicated with your average portable aluminum grill. Well, with THIS grill you can now have the ultimate tailgating experience and actually keep your car squeaky clean and odor free! No more struggling to get the charcoal to light, no more waiting cool down your grill, no more smelling up your car when the grill tips over and the back of your car looks like an oversized ash tray. This grill is the latest and greatest in the world of barbecues and grills!


Impressive, huh? Wait, There’s more. When you order now, you will receive the Margaritaville Grill Cover for the low price of… ZERO DOLLARS! Yes, you read correctly, no need to go back and read it again! When you order now, you will receive the grill cover absolutely FREE (a $39.99 value)! Just put both items in your cart and enter the promo code MGCOVER at checkout.



So this summer, kick back and relax as you enjoy the greatest thing to happen to barbecues since sliced buns. (Just be on the lookout for a house falling from the sky at 17,000 miles an hour. Don’t say I didn’t warn you).

Until next time,
Chef Oliver

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ohhhh, Teddy!

30 inch Cuddly Large Stuffed Teddy Bear
Hello Onionoids!

It’s me, Oliver and today we’re going to learn about American history. More specifically, about the 26th President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt. Allow me to pause for a moment and explain why exactly we’re talking about Teddy Roosevelt today. It’s simple really. Mr. Roosevelt’s birthday is October 27th and I thought it would be nice to write about him. Wait, I know what you’re thinking – it's not even Summer yet! Exactly, but I always like surprises and if we actually wish Teddy a happy birthday on October 27th, he’d be EXPECTING it then and what fun would THAT be??? So take a moment today to surprise Theodore Roosevelt and if you pass him in the street, please wish him a happy birthday!

In all seriousness, Teddy Roosevelt was famous for a number of things. We could talk about his legendary rock band, "The Rough Riders", or his founding of the famous political party, the "Bull Moose" Party, (which, incidentally, would have been an awesome name for a beer or vodka company but this was in the days of Prohibition so it wouldn’t have been a great idea), but I’d like to talk about his toughness. Forever remembered as a tough, no nonsense President, Teddy stood up to his political opponents and America’s enemies with fierce determination and often quoted the now famous phrase "Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya". Or maybe it was "Speak softly and carry a big stick". Either way, Teddy was tough as nails.

Anyway, its hard to believe that "Tough Guy Teddy" was actually the inspiration for the invention of the Teddy Bear! When you think of Teddy Bears, you think of words such as cute, snuggly, fuzzy and cozy. NOT brawny, tough and snarly. Well, OrangeOnions thinks of teddy bears as FURRY, SILKY SMOOTH, VELVETY, SUPER SOFT, KNOCK-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF-AND-BLOW-YOUR-MIND-KIND-OF-COZY. And of course it’s all at an unbeatable price! Check out the 30" Plush Stuffed Teddy Bear (no, not a typo – it’s really 30 inches!) or his counterpart, the 30" Plush Love Teddy Bear Holding a Heart or any of the other teddy bears or stuffed animals at OrangeOnions. With apologies to Teddy Roosevelt, the selection of teddy bears is enough to make a grown man cry. They have bears with ribbons, bears with daisies, bears that sing lullabies, you name it, they have it! So shop OrangeOnions find a new best friend today!

Until next time,
Oliver “just call me Bull Moose” the Orange Onion

30 inch Cuddly Large Stuffed Teddy Bear

Thursday, May 27, 2010

FREE Banzai Inflatable Bouncer Giveaway

Hello peoples!

It's me, Oliver, and I’m here to talk to you about everyone’s favorite word… it’s a simple, yet beautiful; short, yet thrilling; strange, yet lovely kind of word. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about… TAXES!! No, I’m joking. Please forgive me and come down off that ledge. I’m sorry. I’m talking about the word FREE.

We love the sound of it. Our ears perk up when we hear it on TV, it catches our eye when we see it in the newspaper; yet very often we are disappointed when we realize that although a store may be giving away a “FREE” potted plant or a “FREE” bottle of ketchup with your purchase, they failed to let you know up front some minor details. Such as:

  • your purchase had to be a minimum of $500
  • you had to pay it in cash
  • all your grandparents must be present
  • your middle name must be Hubert Horatio Hornblower
  • you have to sign up for a year long subscription to “the American Journal of Gastroenterology” (all for the low price of $34.99)

Makes you think twice before reaching for that FREE giveaway, doesn’t it? Well, I have some real good news. OrangeOnions.com is giving you the opportunity to win a FREE, yes; really, truly, positively and unequivocally F-R-E-E Banzai Inflatable Obstacle Course Bouncer!


Kids (and adults) will enjoy hours and hours of complete bounceability (I just made up that word) on this inflatable bouncer! There are not 1, not 2; but 14 ways to enter to win this fabulous prize (valued at $399.99). On top of that, you can enter to win daily by tweeting or updating your Facebook status! Just sign up for the newsletter, subscribe to the YouTube Channel, leave a product review, whatever, there are over a dozen ways to enter this drawing. Find out all the ways to enter the Banzai Inflatable Bouncer Giveaway to get your bounce on. And best of all, it’s absolutely FREE. The way free was intended to be.

So next time you’re offered that “FREE” hamster grooming kit (complete with a his and hers nail clipper), maybe take a pass on that and instead go to the best online discount store around where you can really get something for FREE.

Until next time,
Oliver, leader of the FREE world…

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Congratulations to the Recent Graduates!

Hi Everyone! It's me, Oliver; the Grand Goombah of Graduation Gifts!

What is a Goombah you ask? Frankly, I have no idea, but if there ever was a Grand Goombah of Graduation Gifts, I'm it. Spring is here and graduation time is fast approaching! Be it your son, daughter, sibling, friend or whomever; this is a HUGE milestone in their lives. When I was younger, I didn't quite appreciate the importance of pursuing and completing my education. Here's how a typical conversation between my mom and myself would go:

Mom: "Oliver dear, you have to go to College, you have to finish school, blah blah blah blah blah"

Me: "Why Mom? Why do I need to go to college??"

Mom: "So you can say you're a college graduate" .

Me: "Like I can't say that now?! Like I try and the words just won't come out? I'm a college gradhshsg, I'm a colklkh gradtythe! For heaven sake, I'm a COLLEGE GRADUATE MOM! There I said it!

Due to the fact that this a family style blog, Mom's response has been edited and stricken from the record.

My point is: THIS IS A HUGE MILESTONE. So whether he/she is receiving a Bachelor's Degree in Great Geothermal Molecular Biostructures of the 19th Century or a Master's Degree in Golf 101, don't let this moment of bliss go unnoticed! Stop by OrangeOnions.com and check our "Good Luck" Plush Potted Plant and Mug Set (try saying THAT 10 times fast!) or our beautiful collection of Timex Watches for Him and Her. Whatever it is you're looking for, you'll find it at OrangeOnions.com.

Until next time,
Oliver, the C-O-L-L-E-G-E G-R-A-D-U-A-T-E. There, I said it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pamper Your Pets & Save Money!


Hello Everyone!

It’s me Oliver and I’m here today to talk to you about pets. That’s right. Pets. Let’s face it. We love our pets. Dogs, cats, parakeets, one eyed spider monkeys, whatever it is, we love our pets. As a matter of fact, there was a statistic in the news last year that claimed that over 1 million Americans (I am not making this up) have their PET listed as a primary beneficiary on their LIFE INSURANCE POLICY. Crazy? Maybe. Ok, probably. BUT, it does underscore my point. As Americans we are obsessed with our little furry friends, and I’m here to tell you that right now at orangeonions.com you can…

Take an additional 20% off ALL Pet Items!

So look, we’re closing in on June, which we all know is “National Go Out and Buy Your Pet a Gift Month” so don’t delay. (Ok, I TOTALLY made that up, there is no such holiday, but give it a few years and there probably will be). So whether you’re getting our Pet Lovers Mug or our 30” designer plush pet chair, you’ll be getting an adorable product at an affordable price. So stop by today at OrangeOnions.com and happy shopping! We’ve got a great selection of pet motorcycles for Fifi to test drive today. (Ok, I’m joking, but we have a lot of other really neat items). You never know what you’ll find at OrangeOnions!


Until next time,
Oliver “sometimes I wish I were a pet” the Orange Onion

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Mother's Day Tip for the Procrastinators

Hello again everybody! It’s me Oliver and I have a message for all you procrastinators out there! You see, I am an expert on procrastination. Growing up, I pushed off anything and everything, and it drove my family nuts. My family laughed about it but my Dad didn’t think it was so funny and he went out and bought me a book called “The Procrastinator’s Handbook” to help me break the habit. I hate to admit this, but… I haven’t read it yet (true story). Although if I do ever get around to reading it, I’m sure it will be really helpful. It takes one to know one, so take it from me, and this will be my TIP OF THE DAY:

DON’T DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN PUSH OFF UNTIL TOMORROW!

Or, is it don’t push off until tomorrow what you can do today. Either way, my message to you, my adoring fans out there, is this:

Mother’s Day is HERE. Not next month, not in a couple of weeks. No, it’s this coming Sunday! So put down “The Procrastinator’s handbook” (we all know you’ll never finish it) and go to OrangeOnions.com where you can still get Mom what she REALLY wants! Look, for all you dads and husbands out there; we’ve all been guilty (on occasion) of letting the garbage pile up until it causes a partial Solar eclipse. But you know what? You buy her that Sterling Silver 8” Bracelet with the Heart ID Tag and watch how quickly she’ll forgive and forget! And maybe it takes you 6 months to replace the light bulb in the basement. It’s all fine and dandy. As soon as she lays here eyes on the Solid Wood Anniversary Clock with the Walnut Finish, all will be forgiven, my friends. Even if you have no idea what to get the Mom is your life, use the OrangeOnions Gift Finder to find exactly what she wants.  So no matter who you’re shopping for this Mother’s Day, you still have time to do it right. Not much time, but it’s not too late.

So for all you “Late coming Larrys” or “Push it off Pattys” out there, fear not. We have the Mother’s Day Sale going until May 15th! Just enter the promo code MOM15 and receive 15% off your entire purchase! Don’t procrastinate! I learnt that from a book I once started.

Until next time,
“On time” Oliver

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Mother's Day is Only 10 Days Away!

Well hello everyone!

It’s me again, Oliver, your personal advisor on all things Mother’s Day, to give you yet another useful and most helpful tip for Mother’s Day gifts. So without further ado… (does anyone really know what “ado” means? We’re always so insistent on doing things without FURTHER ado, yet I’m willing to bet the peel off my back that you can’t tell me what “ado” looks like or even what it is. But I digress…). Ladies and Gents, here is my… drum roll…

TIP OF THE DAY!!

Never, ever try the old “Honey, of course I know it’s Mother’s Day. I just didn’t buy you a gift because EVERY day is Mother’s Day!”

This is a ploy used by many forgetful, procrastinating and now doomed husbands and Dads this time of year. Trust me on this one. The only positive to come out of this situation is you may end up with a new couch for Father’s Day. To sleep on, that is. So take it from me and don’t forget Mother’s Day. Whether it’s your Mom, wife, whomever; she works hard and deserves some recognition. So log on now to OrangeOnions.com, where you’ll get 15% off your entire purchase! Just enter the promo code MOM15 at checkout. They have everything from the Studio Silversmiths 4 Piece Vanity Reed Diffuser Set to the Timex Women's Brushed Silver Bracelet Watch, and everything ranging from beautiful to cute in between. So be a hero this Mother’s Day.

Until next time,
Oliver

Monday, April 26, 2010

Mother's Day Gift Tips

Well hello there everybody! The Orange Onions are in bloom and that means your old friend Oliver is back from wherever Orange Onions hang out when they’re not around!

 
I know Mother’s Day is around the corner and I’d like to offer you some tips for one of the more important days on our calendar. Ever since the 3rd grade, I’ve often thought about Mother’s Day. That’s when I learnt that:
  • Not every gift is a wise choice and
  • The saying “it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t always ring true.
3rd grade is when my classmate, Billy Tyler, decided to surprise our math teacher, Mrs. Buxby for Mother’s Day and bring his pride and joy, his state of the art, self contained, maintenance-free ANT FARM into class and show her that his ants, those cute little things, had learned how to climb out of the farm, once he pulled the facing off of the box! Well, Mrs. Buxby’s reaction was quite memorable, but I’m not sure that ranked high on her list of Mother’s Day surprises.

 
So, I’m here to tell you that I’ll be offering sound advice and tips for all you people out there looking for the perfect gift for your Mother/wife/daughter/mother-in-law/daughter-in-law/significant other, whomever for this Mother’s Day. Without further ado, here is Oliver’s:

 
TIPS FOR MOTHER’S DAY!

 
TIP #1 – Don’t ever, ever take advice from Billy Tyler on what to buy for Mother’s Day.

 
How’s that for some sound advice? Eh? Believe me, I have some more pearls of wisdom to share over the next few weeks, but this is a good start. Heck, I’ll throw in a bonus tip for today, why not?

 
TIP #2 – Go for ANYTHING on OrangeOnions.com! Why, you ask? Simple. We now have a Mother’s Day Sale where EVERYTHING, yes, EVERYTHING is 15% off! So whether your Mom would like a Umbra Fotoflora Photo Frame Vase or a St. Ives Skin Care Gift Bag OrangeOnions has the perfect Mother's Day Gifts for your Mom! Just enter the promo code MOM15 at checkout. So take my advice, no matter who it’s for, you’ll score a lot of points this Mother’s Day!

 
Until next Time,
Oliver

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Winter Olympic Fever

Hello everybody! It’s your intrepid reporter, Oliver here, bringing you the latest and greatest from the Pacific Northwest. Now my personal preference throughout the Olympics is to bring you those heartwarming stories that bring you that warm and fuzzy feeling inside, like the Daily Deal at OrangeOnions.com, but, being that I’m charged with bringing you the absolute truth and nothing but; I must report on all things Olympic.


Which brings us to the story of speed skater, Sven Kramer of The Netherlands. Sven skated his buns off best effort for 25 laps in the 10,000 meter long track speed skating event and set an Olympic record by finishing in 12 minutes 54.50 seconds. He was friggin mad mildly surprised when he realized that his dim-witted beloved coach, Gerard Kemkers royally screwed up made a minor mistake and told Sven to make an illegal lane change which disqualified him and cost him the gold medal! Now, in America, when you make an illegal lane change, you get some angry looks and maybe a honk or two from an irate driver, but it doesn’t cost you a gold medal. As for Sven, all I can say is I feel for ya, Sven!

This story makes me think of how hard it is to win a gold medal in the Olympics. However, I do know of something that is simple to win, and that’s a Cabbage Patch Doll from OrangeOnions! They give away one every week. Find out how you can win!

Well, I am off to my next event, I’m not sure what it will be, but I think it will involve ice or snow in some way!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Oliver Reporting Live from Vancouver

Well by now the Olympics are in full swing and for the most part, they’ve been highly entertaining. Other than the fact that the organizers forgot that the Winter Olympics are supposed to be played in Winter conditions with REAL SNOW, the organizers have done a great job in bringing us quality competition. Don’t get me wrong, I also would have expected Vancouver to have some snow this time of year, but maybe next time they ought to hold the Winter Games in Bemidji, Minnesota so they don’t have to truck in oodles and oodles of snow. Even without real snow, it has been plenty cold in Vancouver. It’s a good thing I knitted myself a hat, scarf, and gloves on the plane ride here with the Winter Knits Kit. Without my knits, I would probably be for sale in your grocer’s freezer.

There have been many “feel good’ stories so far and those always warm your heart. Take for example the Chinese couple Zhao Hongbo and Shen Zue (names have been changed to protect privacy. Their real names are Harvey and Phyllis Goldstein), who took home the gold medal in the pairs figure skating final. At 36 and 31, they have been skating together for 18 years and finally toppled the Russians off the podium who had won gold in this competition every Olympiad since 1960! Then there’s the story of Alexandre Bilodeau who became the first Canadian to win an Olympic Gold Medal on home ground when he finished first in the Men's Moguls, prompting people across the world to ask, “What the hey is a Mogul?”

Frankly, I have no idea what a mogul is, but I love the word, don’t you? Well for my dear and devoted readers, I have done some online research, and after many minutes of hunkering down in my Vancouver office, I uncovered the following:
  • Project Mogul was a top secret project by the US Army Air Forces involving high altitude balloons, whose primary purpose was long-distance detection of sound waves generated by Soviet atomic bomb tests and ballistic missiles
  • HTC Mogul is a high tech gadget for Windows Mobile 6.0/6.1 PDA and if you’re like me, you have no idea what it is.
  • MOGUL framework is a processing-based research framework for investigating languages in the mind. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Me too. Huh? The only frames that come to my mind are photo frames.
  • Federal-Mogul is a major automotive parts supplier based in Southfield, Michigan.
Yes folks, there are many a mogul, but we’re referring to Mogul Skiing, a type of freestyle skiing where skiers try to pass different bumps or, yes you got it, moguls! So I hope you’re thoroughly educated and remember; next time you’re at a cocktail dinner, try throwing the word Mogul around and watch how impressed your friends will be at your improved vocabulary! That’s all for today folks! Until next time, Au revoir from Vancouver!

Monday, February 15, 2010

My Free iPhone App Download

Greetings from Vancouver, my fellow Onioniods! What excitement to be in the center of the Winter Olympic action! I had my notes all ready to share with you on the weekend’s events, but as I was cheering on the USA in Snowboarding, I spilled my orange juice all over them! While I am here, I had better give my Black & Decker Fruit & Vegetable Juice Extractor a break so this doesn’t happen again. I will get them cleaned up here in the next few days and summarize the events.

Anyway, in my hurry to get to Vancouver, I almost forgot to share the news…. My friends and I have released a Free iPhone Game Application! It’s a great game to test your quickness, and you can see the adorable cartoon version of me. Not only is it a free download, but by playing it, you can also win a free OrangeOnions gift card! All you have to do is submit your high score and you will automatically be entered into the drawing. You can also get on my High Scoreboard, which shows the Top Ten scores of all time. See all the details on the Free iPhone App Page of the Web site. If you want to download the application, head to the iTunes Store to get it today.

Well, that’s all for now, I will be back to give you a summary of all I have seen and done in the first few days of the Olympics. Go USA!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Live from Vancouver!

Well the networks are abuzz with the Winter Olympics and I am pleased to announce that I will be a live correspondent from the games. That’s right, I will be bringing you all the latest updates from Vancouver, Canada. Since I cannot be at every event, I will be trusting the local radio stations to provide some news via my trusty Innovage FM Scan Radio Writing Pen & Headphones.

Although this is my first Olympic games as a correspondent, I promise to bring you coverage of the highest quality. In fact here is my mission statement as I embark on this noble mission:

MISSION STATEMENT:

Whereas, I, Oliver the Orange Onion have been charged with the monumental task of providing my adoring fans with comprehensive Olympic coverage, it is my pledge to use the power of public broadcast to engage the minds and enrich the lives of my readers by broadcasting the core Olympic schedule; acquiring, producing and broadcasting programs that best serve our viewers using the best technology available 24 hours a day; providing educational and informative programs and services, while sharing the full Olympic experience and all the while examining critical issues of importance to Olympic fans everywhere, thereby providing related activities, resources, and materials that go beyond simple Olympic broadcasting and serving our community through a variety of supplemental content and services and at the same time guaranteeing responsive customer service to our fans’ questions and concerns, effectively allowing our viewers, affiliates, friends, colleagues, comrades, companies and foundations an opportunity to give back to the Olympic community through their support of our broadcasts blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, by now anybody who was reading this mission statement has fallen asleep and so we will end it now. Enjoy the Olympics!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Welcome to My Adventure!

I am excited to tell you all about my incredible adventures being the face of OrangeOnions.com. For those of you who don't know, OrangeOnions.com is a discount online retailer of gifts, home goods, toys, crafts, seasonal items, and so much more. I am the luckiest Orange Onion to travel the world and spread the word about the company's low prices on brand name products.

But enough about them, let's talk about me. My life story is filled with challenges and triumphs starting from the moment I was a seed. I was a tiny little sprout that almost didn’t get harvested. After years of struggling to make a name for myself, I have turned my bruised past into sweet layers of success. Read my complete biography here.

My first big assignment this year is heading to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia. Having never been to an Olympics before, I am peeling with anticipation to what it will bring. However, I know what I will bring... this rolling snow shovel will come in handy clearing a path when I head to each snowy event. Talk to you soon, eh?