Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Looks Like Rain. Or Sun. Or Both. Maybe Neither.

Hello there people! It’s me, Oliver and I want to talk about the weather. Now, I realize that this may strike you as odd because usually you only discuss the weather when you find yourself standing in a doctor’s office/elevator/auto shop/train and in the absence of anything else to talk about with the complete stranger standing next to you, you blurt out something REALLY intelligent, such as "Beautiful day out there, huh?" only to remember that it’s a minor hurricane out there or there are 21 inches of snow falling as you speak. Truth be told, neither you, nor the stranger you’re talking to, give a hoot about the weather. Nevertheless, we humans don’t enjoy awkward moments of silence and so we feel the urge to discuss the weather with anyone and everyone and frankly, nobody knows what they’re talking about.

I actually have a friend, Kevin Marcus, (this is a true story) who earns his living as a "long range weather forecaster." There are companies that actually PAY him to forecast, for example, what the Soybean crop in Mogadishu will look like 2 years from now. Now I don’t know about you, but I always assumed that the local TV weatherman where I live must have been run over by a stray cumulonimbus cloud because he can’t accurately predict what will be 3 minutes from now. So how the heck Kevin knows what the weather will look like in a YEAR OR TWO FROM NOW is beyond me. But, that’s his job, so good for him! I still think he’s making it all up. Well, why am I telling you all this? (After all, you are NOT a complete stranger.) The reason I am telling you this is because now, you too, can be like Kevin. You see at OrangeOnions, you can get the Discovery Channel Forecasting WeatherTech Station or the Storm Tracker and always be ready to face the elements. Best of all, after 5 minutes, you may be knowledgeable enough to apply for a certain job with my local TV station.

Well that’s my weather rant for the day, but as a wise man once said "Everybody talks about the weather, yet nobody does anything about it."

Partly Orange with a mix of scattered Onions,

Friday, June 25, 2010

Good Vs. Evel? It's a No Brainer...

Hellooooo Oranges and Onions!

It is I, Oliver, and I want to talk to you about one of the most interesting and colorful personalities in recent American history. I'm talking, of course, about Al Gore. I'm sorry folks, that was a typo! I'm referring to the legendary Evel Knievel!

In the 60's and 70's, Evel Knievel became world famous as the first (and only) man with the name "Evel." In addition, he became famous for amazing stunts performed on his motorcycle. He jumped over cars, trucks, buses, you name it, he jumped over it on his bike. His popularity soared greatly because of his many accidents and it is estimated Evel broke approximately 42,573 bones over the course of his career. As a result of all those broken bones, by the time Evel turned 60 he looked like a cross between Shrek and Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Because frankly, Evel could have spared himself a WHOLE lot of trouble and countless body parts had he just visited the OrangeOnions online discount store and jumped around in the Backyard Barnyard Jumper instead of attempting to jump the Grand Canyon. Or the Fisher Price Mega, Sesame Street or Banzai Inflatable Bouncer for that matter! Any of these would have been a FAR safer alternative and a LOT less costly!! Best of all, Evel would have gotten FREE SHIPPING! Oh well. He probably didn't think of it with all those bumps to the head...

Until next time, your favorite historian and aspiring daredevil,

Friday, June 18, 2010

In Loving Memory of Uga, the Inventor of the “Fad”

Hello there people!

It’s me, Oliver and I’m here to talk to you about “Fads”. We all know what fads are, and depending on what generation you happen to be a part of you have no doubt been influenced by a number of them. According to historians the first recorded fad developed shortly after the invention of the wheel when a young boy named Uga realized that he could stuff tennis balls in between the spokes of the family wheel. Sadly, Uga never lived to witness the popularity of this fad as he was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex while out hunting for tennis balls.

However, Uga’s contribution to modern society is evident everywhere and Americans have been embracing fads for as long as we can remember. There are the “Harmless and Cute” fads, such as the yo-yo and the Rubik’s Cube. The 70’s and 80’s had a slew of “Fashion” fads, such as penny loafers, multi colored silk shirts, and 42 ounces of hairspray on the head of the average teenager. There were some fads which are flat-out dangerous, like the brilliant “banana seat” bikes. You see, the genius who came up with that idea never took into consideration that maybe, just MAYBE, there might be kids crazy enough (me, my brothers, my friends etc..) who would attempt to see how many people could fit on the bike seat and ride at the same time. It was always a rocking good time until the “driver” who couldn’t see 6 inches in front of him with 7 other kids sitting on the seat crashed into a tree or drove straight into an open manhole cover. Ah, those were the days! There have been some fads which can only be classified as “somebody was really drunk and came up with this utterly ridiculous idea which somehow spread like wildfire” fads, such as Gumby (huh?), spandex shorts (good grief), pet rocks (HUH??) and some really catchy marketing slogans like “Drink Pepsi, Get Stuff” (how long did it take them to come up with THAT brilliant theme?).

My point is that fads are everywhere and we all love them. As the saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, OrangeOnions has done just that. This online discount store has the latest fad that’s sweeping the American landscape – Silly Bands! These rubber shaped bracelets are the hottest new fashion accessory and they are flying off the shelves everywhere you turn. Put down your yo-yo and look around you. You’ll see people wearing these crazy Silly Bands bracelets in the shapes of animals, cars, sports objects etc… You name it, they’re wearing it. Stop by OrangeOnions today where you can get a package of 72 Assorted Silly Bands for Only $7.99! At that price you may want to think about buying some extra arms!

Well folks, I’d love to chat more but I have to run home, put on my “Members Only” jacket and stare at my lava lamp.

Oliver the Orange Onion, Professor of Fad-ology

Thursday, June 10, 2010

OF GRILLS AND THRILLS… (caution: this page may spontaneously explode)

Hello my Orange friends!

It’s me, Oliver and I’m here to help all you men out there, all you self-proclaimed, Grill Gurus and Barons of the Barbecue! I fondly remember all those Sunday afternoons of my youth, when after a long and exhausting day of watching football, we’d gather around the grill and watch Dad try to get the grill going. It was always an adventure and very often, our neighbors would marvel at the mushroom cloud that would hover over our backyard after Dad finally got that sucker fired up. As kids, we always assumed Dad went bald naturally, and had no idea that his shiny dome was due to an errant fireball, belched up by our gas grill. Ah, the memories!

Fortunately, we survived all those Near Death Experiences and other than suffering from an occasional nightmare in which my childhood home is hurtled into outer space at 17,000 miles an hour by an exploding propane tank with my Dad’s face on it, we’ve all adjusted to lead somewhat normal and well adjusted lives.

And today, ladies and gentlemen, I have some wonderful news for you. My favorite online discount store is proud to introduce you to the Margaritaville Hitch Mount Propane Tailgating Grill! There is nothing else quite like this grill. Let’s face it. We all LOVE to grill, we grill on holidays, weekends and all throughout the spring and summer. Yet, those trips to the state park or the ball game can become quite messy and complicated with your average portable aluminum grill. Well, with THIS grill you can now have the ultimate tailgating experience and actually keep your car squeaky clean and odor free! No more struggling to get the charcoal to light, no more waiting cool down your grill, no more smelling up your car when the grill tips over and the back of your car looks like an oversized ash tray. This grill is the latest and greatest in the world of barbecues and grills!

Impressive, huh? Wait, There’s more. When you order now, you will receive the Margaritaville Grill Cover for the low price of… ZERO DOLLARS! Yes, you read correctly, no need to go back and read it again! When you order now, you will receive the grill cover absolutely FREE (a $39.99 value)! Just put both items in your cart and enter the promo code MGCOVER at checkout.

So this summer, kick back and relax as you enjoy the greatest thing to happen to barbecues since sliced buns. (Just be on the lookout for a house falling from the sky at 17,000 miles an hour. Don’t say I didn’t warn you).

Until next time,
Chef Oliver

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ohhhh, Teddy!

30 inch Cuddly Large Stuffed Teddy Bear
Hello Onionoids!

It’s me, Oliver and today we’re going to learn about American history. More specifically, about the 26th President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt. Allow me to pause for a moment and explain why exactly we’re talking about Teddy Roosevelt today. It’s simple really. Mr. Roosevelt’s birthday is October 27th and I thought it would be nice to write about him. Wait, I know what you’re thinking – it's not even Summer yet! Exactly, but I always like surprises and if we actually wish Teddy a happy birthday on October 27th, he’d be EXPECTING it then and what fun would THAT be??? So take a moment today to surprise Theodore Roosevelt and if you pass him in the street, please wish him a happy birthday!

In all seriousness, Teddy Roosevelt was famous for a number of things. We could talk about his legendary rock band, "The Rough Riders", or his founding of the famous political party, the "Bull Moose" Party, (which, incidentally, would have been an awesome name for a beer or vodka company but this was in the days of Prohibition so it wouldn’t have been a great idea), but I’d like to talk about his toughness. Forever remembered as a tough, no nonsense President, Teddy stood up to his political opponents and America’s enemies with fierce determination and often quoted the now famous phrase "Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya". Or maybe it was "Speak softly and carry a big stick". Either way, Teddy was tough as nails.

Anyway, its hard to believe that "Tough Guy Teddy" was actually the inspiration for the invention of the Teddy Bear! When you think of Teddy Bears, you think of words such as cute, snuggly, fuzzy and cozy. NOT brawny, tough and snarly. Well, OrangeOnions thinks of teddy bears as FURRY, SILKY SMOOTH, VELVETY, SUPER SOFT, KNOCK-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF-AND-BLOW-YOUR-MIND-KIND-OF-COZY. And of course it’s all at an unbeatable price! Check out the 30" Plush Stuffed Teddy Bear (no, not a typo – it’s really 30 inches!) or his counterpart, the 30" Plush Love Teddy Bear Holding a Heart or any of the other teddy bears or stuffed animals at OrangeOnions. With apologies to Teddy Roosevelt, the selection of teddy bears is enough to make a grown man cry. They have bears with ribbons, bears with daisies, bears that sing lullabies, you name it, they have it! So shop OrangeOnions find a new best friend today!

Until next time,
Oliver “just call me Bull Moose” the Orange Onion

30 inch Cuddly Large Stuffed Teddy Bear