Monday, July 26, 2010

It's all about "Supplies and Demands"

Hello anxious and frazzled Parents!

Ah, yes, its the (2nd) most wonderful time of the year! The joys of "Back to School" shopping! It wasn't too long ago that Parents the world over were putting away money for their children's "college fund." Today, however, schools have fallen in love with the now dreaded term: SCHOOL SUPPLIES which has drained the average parent's bank account to the point where, if you still have any money left to send Junior to College, he/she will have to take a student loan simply to pay off their school supply list from the 4th grade. It no longer suffices to simply ask a student to come with a pack of #2 pencils. No, today the average school supply list looks like a psychobabbled manifesto from the Unabomber; filled with all sorts of insane demands and requests.

Here is a typical list your 1st grader will receive in the mail, requesting that you purchase the following:
  • 4 packs of #2 pencils
  • 3 truck loads of WASHABLE markers
  • 5 boxes of Puffs Plus tissues with Aloe and Ginseng extract
  • 1 wooden ruler
  • 2 compasses (to ensure SOMEBODY gets hurt and the school nurse earns her salary)
  • A chainsaw (for Arts and Crafts of course)
  • 82 plastic folders
And the next line reads:
Turn to page 2 to see what your child will need for the SECOND day of school...

Good grief! The list goes on and on and on! Well, I'm here with some FANTASTIC news! OrangeOnions is trying to ease the burden as you get ready to go Back to School. From college dorm room supplies to rolling backpacks for school, OrangeOnions has everything you need to head Back to School. So unless you really WANT to spend oodles and oodles of cash at your local retailer, why don't you do your discount shopping online where you can save $5, $10, or $15 and put some money back into that college fund!

Psst... Did I mention we have some great deals on a frozon concoction maker to celebrate the peace and quiet?

Until next time,
SeƱor School Supply, Oliver

Monday, July 19, 2010

Why Can't They Invent a Cordless Extension Cord?

Hello everybody!

It's me Oliver and I'm here today to talk to you about the joys of being "cordless." You see; Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, etc... were all brilliant inventors who; despite their penchant for wearing funny looking, knee-high white socks, were also wonderful people who made tremendous contributions to society. As a matter of fact; after Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, we were treated to perhaps the dumbest quote in American history. It came from then President Rutherford B. Hayes who after trying Mr. Bell's invention said (and I'm not making this up), "An amazing invention, but why would anyone want to use it?" Needless to say, you will not find too many mothers today who name their sons Rutherford.

My point is, that with all due respect to these great Americans and their inventions, their inventions lacked the single most important feature... They weren't CORDLESS. Now I'm sure that whoever invented the extension cord was also a great guy but just THINK about how much harder our lives would be if, say, our cars all had to be plugged in while driving. We wouldn't get very far and traffic would be constantly tangled up. Think how dangerous it would be for airplanes criss-crossing through the skies with 800 mile extension cords in their wake! So I submit to you that the cordless feature is the single greatest advance in modern technology!

With that in mind I'd like to introduce you to the latest achievement in the world of all things cordless. Ladies and Gentlemen... Please welcome the cordless Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker! You can take this hardware from heaven to the beach, on a picnic, on your yacht or just your backyard. It can make up to 80 drinks on a single charge so you can make even a weekend visit to your in-laws feel like paradise. Well, maybe not paradise, but it'll be a bit more exciting! So pick one up today at your favorite discount store and experience Margaritaville... Unplugged.

Until next time,
Rutherford the Orange Onion
(I felt bad for President Hayes)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Highly Sensitive Savings! Shhh...

Hello Everybody!

It's me, ******! You know who I am but with all the news reports about all the spying that's going around, I'm being extra careful with my identity. If you want my opinion, all this espionage is just childish and immature. When I was growing up, I NEVER spied on foreign countries, especially those with big, scary nuclear weapons. (My mother would've spanked me.) For crying out loud, can't we all just get along?! The cold war was like, soooooo 1985! We're all friends now, aren't we? If Russia wanted some of our highly sensitive, national secrets, shouldn't Vladimir Putin just be able to pick up his Blackberry and text his good buddy, President Obama something like: "Hey B.O.! Wuzzup buddy? Got any top secret info for me? TTYL! KIT! Love, A&F, your BBF, Poots"

Seriously, people. This has to stop before somebody gets hurt and lots of people end up in jail. Which brings me to my point. While these people are having fun passing all kinds of secret codes between each other (I can't even keep track anymore- was it Russians spying on Americans in Russia? Americans spying on Russians in America? I can't keep score.), you can visit and find all kinds of codes, none of which will land you in a Soviet gulag. There are promotional codes that you can enter at checkout to save even MORE off the great prices you already see while doing your bargain shopping online! For example, you may want to enter "SCHOOL" to save money on your Back to School supplies and rolling backpacks.

Can't find a fun enough code at OrangeOnions??? Sign up for the OrangeOnions Newsletter and they will begin to appear in your inbox. But don't worry, these codes won't spy on your other emails.

Whatever code you may come across, at OrangeOnions, you can have all the fun you want and you'll always find ways to save at this online discount store! So stop by today, I'll be waiting for you! (I'll be wearing a long grey trench coat, dark sunglasses and I'll have a newspaper open in front of me. You never know who's watching.)

Until next time,

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Rip Van Winkle… What could have been…

Hello everybody!!

It’s me Oliver and I wanted to talk to you about missed opportunities. We’ve all met that friend or family member who ALMOST COULD’VE, OR PROBABLY SHOULD’VE AND DEFINITELY WOULD’VE been the greatest professional (insert profession here) if he/she only had done this or that and the other thing. You have no doubt met this annoying friend or family member at a Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas party or family reunion. Thank goodness there were other people around or you may have strangled that person.

The lesson learned though, is obvious. Life is full of opportunities and when they present themselves, you have to take advantage! At OrangeOnions, they have a feature called the Deal of the Day which gives you an opportunity to take an already incredibly low priced item at an even LOWER price! But you only have 24 hours to act and then it’s on to the next daily deal! You’ve probably heard about Rip Van Winkle, the fellow who slept for 20 years straight and always credited his Bazoongi kids fun fleece slumber bag for what he called "the most comfortable 20 year sleep I’ve ever had". What you may not know, however, is that according to some historians, upon awakening, Rip went straight to his favorite discount online shopping site to purchase a coffee maker and was ready to start the day off fresh. But then it hit him! Those LOST OPPORTUNITIES! He realized that while he slept, he missed out on 7,300 DAILY DEALS! Broken and depressed by that horrible realization, Rip lived out the rest of his days bemoaning those daily deals that got away while he slept. The Van Winkle family stopped having parties altogether because of Rip’s incessant complaining.

So listen up my friends, take a lesson from Rip and don’t let opportunities pass you by! Check out the Deal of the Day today! (And every day for that matter).

Until next time,
Oliver Van Onion

Friday, July 2, 2010

Now Where Did I Put that Gift????

Hello Everybody!

Its me, Oliver and I'm here to help you find exactly what you're looking for!! Huh? You're not looking for anything? Well, you may not be NOW, but we're always looking for something! We all know that feeling- you're walking around the house, going in circles, looking high and low for your glasses and after about 20 minutes you come to the embarrassing realization... You're actually WEARING THEM. Admit it, you HAVE done this at least once (unless of course you don't HAVE glasses). The truth is, you need not be embarrassed my friend. We are all so busy with our daily lives that we tend to put our bodies in drive without first shifting our brains into gear. Because of that, we all spend insane amounts of time looking for our car keys, umbrellas, receipts, glasses, jackets, caps, boots and occasionally your pet hamster, Ernest, who got loose in your son's sock drawer.

Well I'm here with some REALLY, REALLY good news. There's one thing we all have an IMPOSSIBLE time finding... the PERFECT GIFT. Well, folks, those days are OVER. You know the feeling. 72 hours to go before your son/ daughter/ brother/ sister's graduation/ engagement party/ birthday and you're starting to sweat as you frantically pace the aisles of your local gift shop (the 3rd one you stopped at this afternoon) and you're pulling your hair out. Exasperated after hours of trying to find the perfect gift idea, you put down the plastic "Congrats" bobblehead and vow to come up with an excuse to skip the party. Well its time for you to RELAX!!!

The OrangeOnions discount store has this wonderful little feature appropriately called the "Gift Finder". This magical feature takes the aggravation out of gift finding and makes your life a WHOLE LOT EASIER! You simply click on the gift finder wizard, pull down the drop down menu and click on the "occasion". Whatever the celebration, OrangeOnions is sure to have something perfect for that special someone! Birthday? No problem. Holiday? We got you covered. Your son successfully completed the 92nd level of Mutant Pigs of the Serengeti? Well... Heck, I'm sure there's gift ideas for him too. So check it out today, find a gift and go get dressed because you're GOING to that party. No excuses now.

Well, I'm going to sign off for now. Now, where did I put my pen... Never mind, its propped on my ear.

Until next time,