Tuesday, October 26, 2010

ONLY IN AMERICA!

Hello there people! Its me, Oliver and I'm here to talk to you about being grateful. Yes, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and it's time to be thankful for all the wonderful things we love about this great country. (I, for one am grateful that the Thanksgiving custom is to eat pumpkin pie, and not, say orange cobbler or onion pie).

Now, granted, life is not always perfect and I'm sure we could do without a few things like annoying lines at the Department of Motor Vehicles, overly aggressive telemarketers and pesky mosquitoes. (Just imagine how different life would be if only Noah had swatted those 2 measly mosquitoes!). All that said, we are very fortunate here in America, where we can freely visit places such as the Museum of Bad Art (I am not making this up, this is a real museum in Dedham, Massachusetts) or, if you're so inclined, you can drive through small town America and visit places like Lost Springs, Wyoming or Monowi, Nebraska. Those towns are the only 2 towns in this country with a population of... 1! I am NOT making this up. AND, believe it or not, they actually have their own zip codes! That may seem like a completely useless bit of information to you but I find that fascinating. (I wonder if whoever lives in those towns ever gets the wrong mail delivered by accident).

Anyway, there are so many reasons to love this country, not the least of which, you can freely log on to OrangeOnions any day of the week, any time of the day and find unbeatable deals on unbelievable products! So take a few minutes today to browse your favorite online discount store and find what you need for Halloween, Thanksgiving or just any day of the year! Well, anyway, gotta run. I'm writing in my candidacy for mayor of Lost Springs, Wyoming.

Until next time,
Oliver, soon to be Mayor Oliver, the Orange Onion

Monday, October 11, 2010

GENERALLY SPEAKING...

Hello Everybody!

It's me, Oliver, and I'm here today to sound the alarm and bring you a warning from the Surgeon General! By the way, this always struck me as odd. Why do we call him the "Surgeon General"? I understand we wouldn't want to refer to him as a "General Surgeon" because that wouldn't distinguish him from thousands of other general surgeons across the country, but "Surgeon General"?! Come on here people! My 5th grade grammar teacher, Ms. Simms, must be shaking her head in disbelief at this gross abuse of the English vernacular. Do you know of any other government officials that are so named? There is no Vice President General, Treasury Secretary General or Secretary of State General! I'm sure that Surgeon feels pretty darn special but I don't know why he has to be different than everyone else. Well, anyway, enough of my rant against the Surgeon. I'm here to inform you of the following important safety announcement:

THE FOLLOWING DEAL MAY CAUSE UNCONTROLLED EXCITEMENT. IF YOU HAVE A HEART CONDITION PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE READING THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.

Thank you, Mr. General. Now here's the exciting part... at OrangeOnions for a limited time All Clocks are 60% Off! No, you're eyes are not going bad, you read correctly... I said 60% OFF! As in SIXTY, not 10, not 20, I said 60. That's a pretty amazing discount off of ALREADY amazing prices on a large selection of Bulova & Disney Clocks! But hurry because there are only 4 days left in what may be the Biggest Clock Sale EVER at my favorite online discount store!

P.S. Surgeon General's Warning: Never EVER read a Surgeon General's warning while operating heavy machinery.

Until next time,
Oliver the Orange Onion General

Monday, October 4, 2010

Halloween is Fun! (No, really. It is.)


Well folks, the good ol' holiday of Halloween is fast approaching and the question on everybody's mind is of course this:

Why do we insist on abbreviating the word "old" and using the word " ol' " when it doesn't really make the word any shorter??

Truth is, we're also wondering what we can do to make the holiday extra special. I'm sure you all know the deep meanings behind Halloween. The word Halloween comes from the Latin words "Hallow" (meaning Egg your Neighbor's) and "Ween" (meaning House). Unless you've been living in some far away Galaxy you probably already knew that.

You also probably know by now that the average Halloween will cost a typical family of 4 between $18,000 and 5 zillion dollars a year between costumes, candies, pumpkins, decorations and your children's post Halloween dentist bills. What you may NOT have known about are the Scary Halloween Deals going on right now at my favorite Online Discount Store to help ease the burden on your wallet. PLUS, right now you can enter to win 1 of 4 Inflatable Deer Halloween Costumes! Now THAT'S a scary good deal! So stop by OrangeOnions today and make this Halloween your best one ever!

Win this Costume!

Now go get in the joyous, holiday spirit and Hallow your neighbor's Ween. We're sure they'll love and appreciate your good natured holiday spirit!

Until next time,
Oliver, thankfully not an egg, the Orange Onion