Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Lather. Rinse. Repeat? Duh!

Hi Everyone! It’s me, Oliver. If you’re like me you probably get a kick out of reading the handy instructions that you find on everyday products such as shampoo (Lather, rinse, repeat). THANK YOU Head and Shoulders for THAT important and most USEFUL tip! Had I NOT seen those instructions, I might have thought I was supposed to add the shampoo to my Campbell’s Chunky Noodle Soup and wait for my hair to become instantly fuller and thicker with a healthier shine!

Seriously, though, I shouldn’t be so cynical. After all, there are many things in life which don’t come with instructions, but SHOULD! Take the story of Paul and Bonnie Stiller who made headlines way back in 1996 when they tried to light a stick of dynamite and toss it out of their car window at 2:00 a.m. while driving around Andover Township, NJ. The problem was they had forgotten to roll down the window beforehand and sustained major injuries when the stick blew up in Paul’s hands. (True story). I submit to you that this NEVER would have happened and could have been COMPLETELY AVOIDED had the car manufacturer just posted some important safety tips on the car windows. Such as:

  1. To roll down window, push button in the downward position.
  2. Do not attempt to ignite dynamite while driving.
  3. Dynamite that blows up in your hand may cause injury.
  4. If you MUST throw dynamite out the window, ensure that window is rolled DOWN.

My point is, people are different and what may seem simple to some people are not so simple to others. So, without insulting anyone’s intelligence, I’d like to offer my step-by-step instructions for "How to save on all your holiday gifts":

  1. Go to OrangeOnions and click on the tab that says "Occasions and Seasonal".
  2. Click on the word "Christmas".
  3. On the left side of the screen you will see the words "Black Friday Deals". Click it. (Or you could skip all the above steps and just click this: Black Friday Deals)
  4. Presto! See what cames up???

Now, THAT wasn’t too hard, was it? Once you follow those simple instructions, you’ll find over 70 items to choose from - all 50%-90% off! You can give more gifts than Santa, so don’t wait! Shop the hottest Black Friday Sale before all the deals are gone!

P.S. helpful instructional tip: Your computer must be plugged in or have a battery for it to work.

That’s all folks! Until next time,

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Christmas Trees… (Tree included)

Hey there! Surprise, surprise. It's me again, Oliver! One of my favorite lines from comedian Steven Wright is this one: "I bought a package of batteries... They weren't included". When you really think about it though, NOTHING will dampen that Christmas cheer quite like tearing open those delightful gifts only to realize that the Super Double Duper X250, nuclear powered, geo thermal, laser guided water gun that your Aunt Charlotte spent her life savings on, didn't come with batteries! Folks, this should be illegal.

Thankfully, this never actually happened to ME at Christmas time (because I don't HAVE an Aunt Charlotte) but if it did, I can assure you, I would have cried my eyeballs out from Christmas until New Years. So I beg of you! For the sake of children everywhere! Call your local congressman and push for legislation to force companies to INCLUDE batteries in their products! Ok, maybe we don't have to go THAT far (not to mention, your local politician is busy worrying about more important things, such as getting re-elected in two years), but I do have good news for you....

OrangeOnions has plenty of items that actually COME WITH BATTERIES! How do you like THAT? Specifically, I want to tell you about the rotating, musical plush Christmas Tree by Gund! Sure to become an instant classic, this beautiful collectible will put the perfect finishing touches on your Christmas decor. AND, considering the fact that it’s only $14.99, (and batteries ARE included), this deal won’t last long! In fact, you may want to keep an eye on Santa when he drops in. He may be tempted to swipe it for his own mantle back home. So stop by my favorite online discount store today and get in the Christmas spirit!

P.S. Not to belabor the point; but just think how Santa, as a young boy, would have felt if he opened up his brand new sleigh and the little sticker read “Reindeer NOT included”. I can cry just thinking about it.

Until next time folks,
Oliver Claus (Onions included)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Zanesville Anybody?

Hello Everybody! Oliver again. How have you all been? (Don't answer that. This isn't a live chat). If you're looking for an exotic honeymoon spot or thrilling vacation destination, chances are you've thought about spending time in beautiful Zanesville, Ohio; a town as beautiful as its name. Ok, maybe you HAVEN'T considered Zanesville but if there's a list out there of the 10 million most popular  vacation hotspots, Zanesville would be on it! (Somewhere between Cancun and Gary, Indiana. Probably closer down the list to Gary).

Now, anyone who knows ANYTHING about Zanesville would know that it was founded in 1797 on land owned by Ebenezer Zane (true fact). What they may NOT know is that the very first ceramic cookie jar was produced by the Brush Pottery Company in the late 1920’s. How’s that for a little cookie jar trivia, huh?

Americans have always been fascinated with cookie jars and most of us have fond childhood memories of getting caught with our pudgy little hands reaching into Grandma’s cookie jar. I should clarify – the fond memories were of the cookies; getting spanked with the spatula - eh, maybe not so fond.

Either way, cookie jars have been a part of American kitchens for nearly a hundred years and NOW, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to introduce you to the next generation of cookie jars: the Gift Box Cookie Jars, brought to you by OrangeOnions! These gorgeous ceramic treasures are hand painted and just BEG for the next generation of little ones to go fishing for cookies! The best part of it all – for a limited time, they are all 50% off with free shipping when you do your bargain shopping online! So forget about the calories because those cookies never looked so good as they do now! Stop by and pick one up today at the OrangeOnions Online Discount Store!

P.S. If you ARE actually honeymooning in Zanesville, uh, we need to talk.

Until next time,
Oliver Von Zanesville

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Move Over Otto!

Hello there everybody! It's me Oliver and I'm here to share with you some exciting news! We've all heard the expression "the greatest thing since sliced bread" but, with all due respect to Otto Frederick Rohwedder (yes, that was his REAL name), the inventor of the bread slicing machine; that expression is about to go the way of rotary phones and tape recorders. Because, NOW, ladies and gentlemen (and oranges and onions), there is a new product sweeping the American landscape that will spawn the following term 50 years from now:


This incredible invention allows you to make delectable homemade soups in just 30 minutes without having to wash a single pot! It's a heated blender that's easy to use and with winter fast approaching, there's no better way to warm up! This is NOT to take anything away from Mr. Rohwedder, because let’s admit it: Sliced bread is pretty cool.

*Little interesting side note* – although his invention first hit the market in 1928, he was actually close to putting it out 11 years earlier but a fire destroyed the factory where he worked, destroying his blueprints, prototype and setting him back financially. Needing funding and having to start all over, the world would have to wait 11 years to enjoy sliced bread. You can file that nugget away under: "Completely useless, yet interesting bits of information that may or may not come in handy one day".

Well, anyway, while doing your online discount shopping this holiday season, stop by OrangeOnions and pick up an Electric Soup Maker... the greatest thing since sliced bread!

P.S. please be considerate and refrain from using orange onions in your soup. On behalf of orange onions everywhere, I sincerely thank you for your consideration.

Until next time,